"Where did you store the crash dummy?" was the first thing Tasmin said after silencing the console. She could not have looked at the mission for more than two seconds.

"First person fic?"

"Multiple first persons. So I need your dummy as well."

"I don't think I was issued one. Aren't they supposed to be special order?" Emma quickly glanced through the fic.

Tasmin rolled her eyes. "They are, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have one. Always make sure your equipment is complete and fully functional. I guess we'll just have to make due with the one and hope for the best."

"How do we know your crash dummy is complete and fully functional?"

Tasmin briefly glared at her partner. Then she pulled a yellow foam cube from her duffel bag and threw it in the middle of the room. She held on to the cord attached to the cube and it inflated into a human figure with undefined features. "Satisfied?"

Emma shrugged.

"Then let's go into this fic." Tasmin pushed some buttons on the console to open up a portal and made sure the dummy went into the fic first.

The dummy immediately threw itself on a bed and started to cry. Emma and Tasmin turned their eyes to the Words to find out what the sobfest was all about. It appeared the dummy was the daughter of the Doctor and Rose, but left behind by him on parallel Earth with Rose and human!Doctor. The latter two had just announced their wedding plans. Jackie was now shouting at Rose for being so inconsiderate.

“HOW COULD YOU BE SO INSENTATIVE ROSE, IT’S BARELY BEEN A YEAR AND YOUR GETTING MARRIED, IT MIGHT BE YOU TWO WHO ARE MADLY IN LOVE BUT YOU HAVE A 13 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WHO IS STILL GRIEVING ABOUT BADWOLF BAY!”

"Just how would a woman in her early twenties end up with a thirteen-year-old daughter?" Emma asked. "No, wait." She held up her hand. "Don't answer that. Let's just focus on Jackie's capslock of rage and everything that is wrong with that grammatically." She pulled a notepad and pen from her shoulder bag and started to write.

"Don't forget the comment that Jackie loves the Doctor at heart."

"Did she develop those feelings for him before or after he knocked up her daughter and left her behind as a single parent?" Emma looked up. "Cause if Jackie has a soft spot for the Doctor under those circumstances, I think the soft spot is in her head."

The dummy sobbed on about missing Torchwood Three and even "irritating Martha".

"Martha bashing," Tasmin said.

"The Sue is voicing a personal opinion. Even if you don't agree with her opinion, she's still allowed to have it."

Tasmin mumbled something incomprehensible.

Out of nowhere a picture flew across the room and smashed on the ground. The dummy stomped on it for good measure. Then the dummy ran from the house.

"Follow it, or wait for it to come back?"

"Wait," Tasmin said. "There's enough melodrama to be witnessed in this fic without following the Sue all over the place."

The agents got comfortable on a couple of bean bags they made appear in the room and waited for the dummy to return. When it did it went straight to bed for an early night.

-oOo-

Emma gasped for air. "What is happening?" she croaked. "The air is thick and everything looks slanted."

"The Sue decided to set off a flashback, slash, dream sequence in both bold and italics," Tasmin replied. She was talking slowly to make the most of the limited amount of oxygen.

The dummy woke with a start from a nightmare — which turned the air quality back to normal. Jackie was right there at its bedside to comfort it. The dummy went back to sleep after a hug and a kiss and woke up again in the morning. It got dressed and went downstairs to have breakfast.

The two agents followed. The dummy was a representation of the Sue, but because it was PPC equipment it didn't matter much that it could see the PPC agents. It was hardly going to tell on them.

In the kitchen the dummy met human!Doctor, who the Sue preferred to call John. The dummy quickly and quietly ate its breakfast all the while conscious of John's growing anger. When it was about to leave, John closed the kitchen door. He accused it of playing mind games. The dummy was confused.

“Running up the stairs, making it all about you, you’re fake crying!” he shouted

The dummy denied making it all about her.

"That'll be a first." Tasmin snorted.

"Well, one Sue had to be the first to not be the centre of everyone's attention," Emma said cheerfully.

Tasmin glared at her partner.

John rushed up to the dummy, pushed it against a wall and tried to strangle it. He threatened the dummy that he would kill it if it didn't tell Rose it was happy for her to get married.

"Human!Doctor's personality isn't much developed in canon, but it would be safe to assume he's got a little bit of Donna and a little bit of Ten."

Tasmin nodded.

"So, human!Doctor as evil incarnated would be wrong."

"Calling it wrong would be an understatement."

"Unless there's, like you know, anything to explain why he has become evil."

"Would living under the same roof as a Sue be enough for you?"

"It would do it for me. I'm just curious why it doesn't seem to have made Jackie evil. If anyone, she's the one least likely to put up with anyone's shit, and most likely to tell them to get their act together."

"From what we've seen I would guess that this Sue turns characters into their polar opposites."

John left the room and after catching its breath, so did the dummy. It was Saturday, so the dummy decided to go to Torchwood to talk to Rose. The agents decided to follow.

-oOo-

After telling Rose it wanted her and John to get married the dummy went looking for Pete. It came across a room it had never been in. The moment it pushed through the door the dummy was flooded with the memories of the last few minutes in the battle against the combined forces of Daleks and Cybermen.

"Headache inducing flashbacks," Emma muttered and made a note on her notepad.

Rose argued that she and the Sue would stay with the Doctor. Just like in canon she lost grip of the lever and was saved from being pulled into the void by Pete. Unlike in canon, the Sue stayed behind with the Doctor.

The agents looked at each other.

"Curious," Emma said. "If she was on this side when the void closed, then how did she end up on the other side?"

"Same way human!Doctor did probably."

"She whispered in Rose's ear and then tongue kissed her? I don't think this fandom actually has incest fic."

Tasmin resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "You know what I mean."

"On the other hand... the internet caters for all kinds of niches."

Meanwhile the Doctor had picked up the dummy, that, as per the Sue's instructions, was tall and lightweight for a ten-year-old.

I was still sobbing as we entered the tardis, my dad placing me on the captain’s chair hugging me tightly, “I’ve got it!” he shouted

The Doctor immediately went to work and a few minutes later he had established a connection to parallel Earth and was projecting an image of himself and the Sue on a beach.

"Any takers for the bet that the goodbye on Bad Wolf Bay will resemble canon closer than anything else in this fic?" Emma asked.

"What makes you think that?"

"Because Rose and the Doctor have been lovers and had a kid together in this fic. Rose is now separated from both of them. So, in light of everyone in this fic doing the opposite of what would be in character for them, Rose is going to completely ignore the fact that she is never going to see her lover and child again."

"And thus we are going to have a goodbye to good friends. Makes sense." Tasmin nodded.

"It doesn't make sense."

"It makes sense in the context of this fic. Making sense is a relative feature."

As Emma predicted the dialogue on the beach was that of canon. Even Rose mentioning her mum was pregnant didn't make her flinch about never seeing her own child again. Emma scribbled it down as a charge.

Then the flashback ended, or, at least, the air thickness turned to normal. The dummy was back in the room at the Torchwood Institute. It thought it could crack open the void by using its own DNA.

"What part of sealed off for good don't these Sues understand?" Emma asked. "If there was a safe and easy way to crack open the void, don't they think the Doctor would have tried?"

"The Daleks cracked open the void again."

"I did say 'safe and easy'. Davros didn't care if the open void would destroy the universe, either of them. I think it was actually his intention. The Doctor would be bothered. Heck, if there was an easy and dangerous way to crack open the void, he'd probably do something to make the easy part impossible."

Alas, the Doctor would have been unable to take such precautions on parallel Earth. The dummy managed to open the void without problem and was dragged into it. The agents smirked at each other and then ran after the dummy into the void.

-oOo-

With the turn of the chapter the dummy jumped up and took the appearance of the Tenth Doctor. It appeared that the void had been a short cut to the TARDIS. The agents had ended up there as well.

The dummy leaned against the console. The air in the room got thick.

Emma groaned. "Not another flashback."

"Worse," Tasmin said after a quick glance through the Words.

"What's worse than another flashback?"

"It's the same flashback as the Sue had before."

Emma groaned again. She dug through her bag and pulled out a bottle of Bleeprin. She shook out two pills. "Want one?" Tasmin shook her head and Emma popped both pills into her own mouth. She shook her head after swallowing. "I can never get over the slightly bitter taste of this stuff."

Apart from the pronouns the flashback of the Doctor was the exact same as that of the Sue. He even made the same grammatical errors as the Sue. Tasmin opened a portal.

-oOo-

"Well, that was a waste of my time," Tasmin said when they returned to parallel Earth where the dummy took on the persona of the Sue again.

"Isn't that always the case with badfic?"

Tasmin glared at her partner. "Also, waste of time is relative. A scene from two points of view could be very entertaining or insightful, if it went into the thoughts and emotions of the two people and how each of them perceived the events differently. Here, not the case. Hence, waste of time. Write that down." She pointed at her partner's bag that held the notepad. "Before the Bleeprin makes you forget."

"I didn't take that much. Just a little to take the edge off. The screeching of all those mini-reapers isn't helping, by the way."

"Yeah, it's a bit annoying that the smaller the mini-reapers the higher pitched their voices."

"Bit annoying," Emma repeated. She frowned an eyebrow.

Tasmin ignored her. She turned her attention to the dummy and Pete. Pete had prevented it from being dragged into the void and was now telling it off for using Torchwood equipment.

“Look Miley as much as I hate to say it, he isn’t coming back... so your just going to have to get used to everything around here.” He said hushed

"Look, kid, your dad left you here. He doesn't want you. You're never going to see him again, but it's all for the best. So, stop being a little brat and get used to it," Emma mimicked.

"There's nothing in canon that says that Pete knows how to deal with the grief and feelings of abandonment of a child."

"True. But he's rich. Surely he can afford a child psychologist that can help her through this. And I doubt he is so insensitive that he can't imagine what he would have felt if his dad had abandoned him at thirteen."

Tasmin shrugged. "Looks like none of the characters is spared the verdict of OOC."

Rose walked in. She said the Sue had given her quite a scare and that it was obvious she wasn't ready yet for Rose to get married. Rose announced she would postpone the wedding. The dummy protested, but Rose was adamant.

The two of them went home. John gave the dummy a hug and told it to go rest upstairs. The dummy rushed to its room, but found the lock was gone when it wanted to lock the door. At the back of the cupboard the dummy found a baseball bat then it hid behind the door. When John entered, it took a swing at him. John quickly turned around and snatched the bat away.

“Err” I mumbled... I couldn’t talk myself out of this; before I knew it he pushed me onto my bed, covering my mouth with his hand, so I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t even cover my head because my arms were pinned down, “so try to get away where you, so you could get back to your daddy, aww poor Miley wants her daddy back, tuff that isn’t it because he’s stuck in a parallel universe isn’t, or should I say left you with ME !” he whispered in his evil laughter, “But still you crossed the line and that deserves punishment!”

John began to inflict his punishment, but what he actually did the agents never found out. There was a sudden jolt of a time rift and when the shaking stopped, and the agents thought it was safe to open their eyes again and look around, they found they were at Torchwood Three.

"Can this fic get any worse?" Emma groaned.

“OWEN is dead, now I know this isn’t real!” I said

“So you thought but remember Miley where torchwood, he isn’t even dead now he is human and immortal, he can do everyone thing anyone else can do and so can tosh!” he said happily, I smiled.

"I had to ask, didn't I?" Emma picked herself up. "I wonder if these immortals still require food. Let's see if there's some take-out in the conference room." Emma quickly marched up the stairs.

Tasmin stayed behind. She leaned on the railing and looked down into the autopsy pit where Owen was patching up the dummy. It looked tattered.

The dummy asked Jack a question that was bugging Tasmin too. It also bugged her she was now on the same wavelength as the Sue.

“Jack how did you get through to our universe and know what was happening?” I asked

On the other hand, Tasmin was pretty sure she would have been able to ask that question in a grammatically correct sentence with all the punctuation in place.

Jack gave a deus ex machine explanation — where he was the god and the Rift was the machine — and referred to human!Doctor as John. He had taken care of him. After he returned to his own universe, with the Sue, Jack had tried to ring the Doctor, but his phone was out of reach.

The dummy jumped up. If Jack had gone to the parallel universe, then perhaps the Doctor had fallen through the void too. Jack said he would look into it. He told the dummy to rest. It had a lie down on the sofa that had suddenly appeared in the autopsy pit.

"Damn Sues and their ambiguity." Tasmin looked around for Emma to tell her to make a note of the charge. "Damn partners and their cravings."

The dummy dreamt the Doctor was calling for it, telling it to come and meet it. The dummy woke up immediately. The Hub was empty, but conveniently left behind was a necklace, a dimension cannon the Sue called it, with which the dummy could travel back to parallel Earth.

Tasmin rolled her eyes. "Sure, why would you make it hard for your characters to get what they want. Instant gratification is so much more satisfying."

The dummy grabbed the device, changed its settings, pushed the big yellow button and was gone.

Tasmin turned around and leant back against the railing. She crossed her arms and impatiently tapped her foot while waiting for her partner to return. It did not take long for Emma to come down the stairs. She was nibbling on a slice of pizza.

"What did I miss?"

"Couple of contrived plot devices the Sue pulled from her ass."

"I'm eating here."

Tasmin glared at her partner. She pulled the remote activator from her duffel bag. "We're leaving. You'll be eating that somewhere else."

-oOo-

The portal opened on parallel Earth, making the agents just in time to see the dummy and the Doctor fall into a hug.

"Okay, that problem's sorted. How many left?" Emma bit a chunk off her pizza slice.

Tasmin shrugged. "They've probably still got to stop the wedding."

"That's six months away. Besides, didn't Jack say he had taken care of John?"

"You heard that?"

"In case you hadn't noticed: out of character Jack tends to shout like a game show host, and ill described Hub doesn't have doors that can be closed."

Tasmin accepted the explanation. And offered one for Emma's question, "plot consistency isn't the strong suit of Suethors."

The agents had been wrong, at least where it came to their assessment that all problems were easily sorted in this fic. The Doctor invited the dummy into a miniature version of the TARDIS. It looked the same on the inside, but the dummy noticed something was amiss. It bugged the Doctor with questions about this until he revealed himself to be human!Doctor.

"Ooh, plot twist." Emma smirked. "Five mission reports says that human!Doctor will reveal himself as a clone from the Master."

"He is certainly hatching an evil plan that involves the Doctor."

John took the dummy to a room and tied it up. Then he left to get married. Just as the dummy started to think it was really stuck now, something touched its hand. It was the Doctor.

"Conveniently locked into the same room. For someone that has an evil master plan this John is pretty stupid."

"That's the whole problem with this fic: things keep happening that are good for the characters, but those are not the things that are good for the story."

"I wouldn't call everyone grossly out of character good for anything."

Tasmin conceded to that.

The Doctor untied the dummy, but because John had taken his sonic screwdriver they couldn't get out of the room. They sank to the floor and had a heart-to-heart.

“Why did you leave me?” I said, I felt him face me but I kept my head down

“I thought ... well I thought you would be happy with a real family.” He said

The Doctor realised John had hurt the Sue.

“I can’t wait to get my hands on him!” he said

"Yet, he is sitting around, rather than hopping around hatching a plan." Tasmin scowled.

"Well, you can hardly expect him to yank off part of the wall to reveal a conveniently located hidden display, can you?"

"That's what's been happening in this fic so far."

“But you have got your dimension cannon on you remember Miley!” whispered the tardis

"Conveniently located plot device she's got; proper punctuation not so much." Tasmin sighed.

"Next stop: grammar school."

"Grammar school doesn't just teach grammar. With today's standard of education, it may not even teach grammar at all."

"The educational system ain't what it used to be."

"It's probably just going back to its roots. School is the Greek word for leisure time."

The dummy dug through her pockets, which were bigger on the inside, and pulled out a dimension cannon. It realised it could only carry one person, but rather than giving the device to the Doctor, so he could get the TARDIS back on-line, it suggested it would do that. The Doctor thought it was worth a shot.

The first stop the dummy made was Torchwood Three. It quickly explained to Jack what was going on. He also grabbed a dimension cannon and off they were.

The Doctor was liberated from his locked room and said he had seen John drop a leaflet of the church he was using for the wedding.

"You've got to hand it to this Sue. She does come up with original ideas for dei ex machinae."

Tasmin grumbled in reply.

At exactly one o'clock, five minutes before the wedding would start, the TARDIS arrived a few blocks away from the church. The Doctor couldn't park in front of the church because there was a crowd.

"Five past one? What an odd time to start anything. One exactly, or fifteen past one, sure. But five past one?"

"Any particular reason you are ignoring that they have a time travel device yet are only making it to the wedding just in time? Or that the Doctor is for some reason worried that people spot the TARDIS?"

"Cutting it close is what puts tension in a story," Emma lectured. "Like a bomb will only be defused a few seconds before it is supposed to go off."

"Then you must like that with our portal technology, we can cut it even closer."

Emma grinned and her partner opened up a portal.

-oOo-

The portal opened right next to the vicar. He looked up perturbed when two people, from out of nowhere, stepped up next to him. Then his attention was drawn by three more people running down the isle shouting "stop the wedding." He threw his head back in frustration.

"We like that sentiment," Emma said. "Rose, John, could you step to the side a bit, make some room for the late arrivals?"

Rose and human!Doctor gave the two agents confused looks, but did as they were told. Jack, the Doctor and the dummy came to a stand still next to them.

Emma picked up a lectern that stood near the altar and carried it to the front to face the crowd. She put it down and rested her hands on it while surveying the crowd. Not much of a turn up, she noticed, just some canon characters. Well, that would make their job a lot easier.

"Will you get a move on?" Tasmin urged.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today," Emma started, "to charge that Sue with crimes against fanfiction in general and Doctor Who and Torchwood fanfiction in particular." She pointed dramatically at dummy. She was pleased to hear the crowd gasp.

"Miley, we charge you with being a Mary Sue, with making this story all about you, with claiming that it isn't and with having an easy fix solution for every problem. We charge you with being the thirteen-year-old daughter of a twenty-one-year-old."

"Who's twenty-one?" the dummy asked.

"Rose is."

The dummy shook its head.

"Well, early twenties then. Anyway, too young to have had you." Emma briefly glanced her notepad. "We charge you with making all the canon characters out of character. Human!Doctor is not evil. He has a mix of the Doctor's and Donna's personalities, and neither of them is evil. Jackie does not have a soft spot for the Doctor, or at least, she shouldn't have one in this story, seeing as here the Doctor left her daughter in the lurch.

"We charge you with changing the backstory of canon characters, in particular, making Rose and the Doctor lovers and parents, yet not changing the way they say goodbye to one another when they are never going to see each other again. Rose is supposed to be your mother, yet, when she was told at Bad Wolf Bay the void was nearly closed with her on one end and you on the other, she did not even mention you. If her backstory's different it is likely, in this case very likely, that her feelings and emotions will also be different. Unless you want to suggest that Rose is a terrible mother. In which case you will be receive another charge for character defamation.

"We further charge you with giving yourself and the Doctor the exact same flashback. Yes, you were both present at the same event, but surely, you would have perceived things differently. You are two different people after all. We also charge you with making those flashbacks headache inducing by putting them in bold and italics. And we charge you with bad spelling, bad grammar, bad punctuation and creating minis. You have been charged. Now what?" Emma directed her last question at Tasmin.

"Now we execute."

"There hardly seems a poi-" Before Emma could finish her sentence Tasmin had shot the dummy. It deflated through a hole in its head. Emma looked at the pile of material on the floor. "I guess that's what the crash dummy repair kit is for."

"Exactly." Tasmin returned her gun to her bag and started gathering up the dummy. She stuffed the material into her duffel bag.

"Well, then." Emma leaned on the lectern. "Everyone, it's time for you to go to your respective homes. Jack, do you need a ride?"

"I'll just bum one off the Doctor."

"Okay, that's settled then." Emma slapped her hands together. Tasmin opened up a portal and Emma followed her partner through it. "By the way, we really have to get ourselves a lectern. It makes the charging so much more powerful."