Please Don't Ever Leave Me
"Oh dear," Tasmin said. "Oh dear."
Allison studied her partner from the other side of the response centre. Some ten minutes earlier a mission assignment had come in and Tasmin had started reading the Intelligence Report. She'd only said 'oh dear' since, but she'd said it a good three dozen times.
Finally, Tasmin turned around.
"Oh dear," Allison said seeing the expression on her face. "That bad?"
"Yes. I'd almost say troll, but the fic in question is in an archive. That would imply some kind of filter for trolling."
"That is, if the archivists actually have time to scan fics for trolling."
"So... we go in?"
Tasmin nodded. "You should take some carsickness pills first."
"I never get carsick."
"Just a precaution. The authors are tossing around verb tenses as if they were salad ingredients."
"Authors? Fanfic is really putting a strain on the concept of two know more than one." Allison popped the two pills her partner offered her into her mouth and swallowed.
"Ready to go?"
"As ready as I'll ever be." Allison eyed the keys on the console that would set disguises and open a portal. "No point in postponing the inevitable. Though we could get lucky and be killed during the end of the world or the umpteenth invasion of Headquarters while we wait."
Tasmin rolled her eyes and thumped the console button. She ushered her partner through the portal first.
The portal brought the agents to a living room.
"So, what have we got, fic-wise?" Allison took being disguised as a nurse as an indicator they were at the VA, though the living room setting kind of threw her off.
"Bit character Sue and Gary Stu."
"That's at least novel."
"Some bad slash-"
"... involving the Gary Stu."
Allison frowned. "That's both novel and growl worthy. Where are we?"
"Face's apartment." Tasmin walked over to the bedroom and pointed at Face standing in front of the mirror. "That's him."
"He still looks the same. I managed to recognise him."
Templeton Peck stood in front of his mirror. Today was the day he was going to asked Murdock to married him?
"He what?" Allison asked.
"I guess he either had pre-proposal jitters, or he's going to ask Murdock if they got drunk on their last trip to Vegas and got hitched."
Allison glared at her partner. "I thought you said the slash was with the Gary Stu."
"There's some sort of love-triangle. Actual, it's a slash fantasy story."
"That better mean it has dragons."
"Not dragons, but there's another fantasy animal."
Suddenly there was a knock on his door. He went to answer it only to find a box. Face picks the box up. He shook it to make sure it was safe.
"The letter bomb had a detonator set to tense shifts and blew up."
"Yeah, generally shaking is a real good way to determine whether something is an explosive or not. And by good I mean quicker than calling in bomb squad."
The package contained pictures of Murdock, an audiotape and a videotape. Face played the audiotape.
The voice was rough. I know where Murdock is 24/7 break up with him or he died
"Even if that sentence had had all the necessary punctuation in place, it still would not have made any sense." Allison pulled the notepad from her pocket. Funny how no matter what the disguise was, the notepad always ended up in the pocket.
"I think it's an interesting concept, making threats in the past tense. It means they will carry out their threat first and when you give in to the blackmail, they will undo it." Tasmin chuckled.
"At least you think this is funny."
The videotape was a home movie of Murdock. The voice-over told Face there was a team of people stalking Murdock and that Face must break up with him. Face screamed at the TV that he would not break up with Murdock.
"Oh dear." Tasmin quickly dove into her duffel bag and produced the FLF. She checked that its switch was set to manual. She blocked it with her thumb so it wouldn't reset itself to automatic or random.
"I guess it would be too much to expect this fic to have scene breaks."
"That's why we have this." Tasmin held up the FLF.
The agents looked at the Words to follow the proceedings at the VA. Murdock was getting ready for a date with Face.
Murdock step of the bathroom dress I white suit with a black tie. He stood and poses for Georgia.
"Murdock in a suit? That I've got to see."
"No, you don't."
"C'mon, it's totally OOC. Seeing is believing." Allison tried puppy dog eyes, but a quick glare from her partner told her that wasn't going to work.
After Murdock had dressed he waited for Hannibal, in the guise of an old man, to come and pick him up.
"Hey fool he's been busy all day. Man he really loves you. But for the life of me I don't know why."
"Was that Hannibal? Without visual I couldn't really tell."
"Hmm, yes, perhaps we should go to the VA after all." Tasmin threw the FLF in her bag, grabbed the remote activator and opened a portal.
The agents waited at the steps of the VA and sure enough, a moment later Hannibal and Murdock emerged from the building. The men walked over to the van where BA was waiting for them.
BA rolled his eyes and growled. "C'Mon to Thu van foo', o'else i'll throw ya ovah ma sholda."
"I have a Fangirl Translator. It should be able to help out." Tasmin pulled another device out of her duffel bag and pointed it at BA. She showed Allison the read-out.
"'Come back Thursday when I'm ovulating'? I don't think that's right."
"The device is supposed to translate Fangirl to English. I guess it doesn't work when a canon is doing the talking." Tasmin returned the device to her bag.
The agents quickly ran for the van and hopped in after Murdock. BA drove the van to a restaurant where he dropped off Murdock and the agents. Murdock said good-bye and BA and Hannibal drove off.
Allison looked at Tasmin. "Slash, a Gary Stu, and Hannibal and BA acting like giddy schoolgirls. At least the fantasy label wasn't wasted."
The agents turned and followed Murdock into the restaurant where Face was waiting for him.
Murdock was beautiful. He was not dress in his usual clothes but dress like a God.
Allison wrinkled up her nose. "Murdock's pale from spending way too much time indoors. A white suit makes him look like a corpse. I say we charge this Stu with making Face in to necrophilia." Allison turned to a blank page on her notepad. The pad was brand new. The amount of times Tasmin had said 'oh dear' had made her think she needed it.
Murdock and Face sat down at a table. Then Face saw a man point a gun at Murdock. The agents saw the man too. He was very openly waving a gun around in a restaurant. All the other restaurant patrons ignored him. Face said he had something to say to Murdock.
"Murdock. I don't think we should see each other any more."
The agents blinked.
"No, Face would say, 'Excuse me for a moment', leave the table, disarm the man with the gun, and if that didn't lead to a bar fight, return to the table adjusting his tie." Allison knew which scene she had expected to see, if Face had been in character.
Face screamed at Murdock that he didn't love him any more. Murdock ran out of the restaurant and was hit by a car in the street.
The agents ran out of the restaurant to watch the scene that unfolded next.
The driver of the car that hit Murdock was a nurse from the VA.
"Oh Murdock, I, I killed you." She glanced around; people were coming out of the restaurant.
"This is a medical professional," Tasmin said. "We have to trust her judgement."
Allison gave her partner a shocked look.
"It's probably the white suit that caused her to call his death."
Face came out of the restaurant. When he saw Murdock on the ground he dropped down next to him and started to sob uncontrollably. A waitress told him off for showing he cared after he had broken up with Murdock. The nurse suggested they put Murdock in her car to take him to hospital.
"What's wrong with calling an ambulance?"
"She just pronounced him dead. No need for an ambulance."
"Then a coroner. Or someone that actually knows how to feel for a pulse."
They carefully loaded Murdock into the backseat, and Face sat with him holding his hand.
"It's a good thing she wasn't driving a compact."
The nurse also judged Face for breaking up with Murdock.
"Why is everybody that doesn't know Face from Adam being so unpleasant to him?"
"It's a knee jerk reaction. I also find a crying Face quite revolting."
The agents took a portal to the hospital and arrived there shortly after the nurse had urged BA and Hannibal to come to the hospital without explaining why.
Face slowly looked up at her. "I killed him! I killed him!" He screamed over and over again. Georgia, being a nurse, knew the signs of someone becoming hysterical and slapped him hard across his face.
"Can we file a malpractice suit against her?" Allison asked.
"In the eighties physical abuse of psychiatric patients was still called medical treatment."
Allison rolled her eyes and sat down sulking.
BA and Hannibal came in. BA was wearing a golden jumpsuit. They walked up to Face and asked him what was going on.
Face shook his head and lost it again. "I killed Murdock."
BA and Hannibal stared in shock as Face cried again. "Face. What do you mean? I killed Murdock!" Hannibal exclaimed.
"I feel an 'I'm Spartacus' moment coming on."
"I feel a charge for bad punctuation coming on."
Face started to explain he had made Murdock sad. BA manhandled him and Hannibal tried to calm BA down.
BA crossed his arms, "not until Face spills his guts."
"Then BA pulled out a machete and stabbed Face in the abdomen. He slid the knife sideways to make a tear big enough for Face's bowels to spill through."
Tasmin frowned at her partner.
"Oh, come on. It's that kind of story."
The nurse blew up at BA. Hannibal asked her who she was.
"Why are you so important to this whole thing?" Hannibal asked.
"If only Sues were always asked this question." Tasmin shook her head in sadness.
The nurse explained who she was, including the part where she ran over Murdock. BA let go of Face and Face continued to explain. He was about to tell Hannibal about a package he had received when the doctor walked in. Face collapsed when the doctor gave some bad news.
Tasmin and Allison were smacked into a wall at the VA when the fic suddenly fast-forwarded three weeks.
"I swear I will glue that switch in place," Tasmin said after she had sucked some air back into her lungs.
Her partner slowly slid to the ground. "We should get paid danger money."
Face walked past the agents, not sporting any form of disguise.
"I need to re-evaluate my health insurance. I don't think it covers this."
"You need to pay attention. Richter just threw Face out of the VA for breaking up with Murdock."
"I never thought I'd say this, but... whatever happened to homophobia?"
"Cowering in a plot hole, no doubt."
"I wish I could cower in a plot hole."
"Get up." Tasmin tugged on her partner's sleeve.
"Did the Team solve the case of the stalker package? It's been three weeks."
"No, they didn't."
"That's a nice big plot hole. Bet I could stretch out in there. Take a nap." Allison's face got a dreamy expression.
The car accident had left Murdock catatonic, and unresponsive to any stimuli.
"Is that normal? Can car accidents cause catatonia?"
"What do you think?"
"I understand catatonia as the brain shutting down, but differently from a coma."
"Catatonia is not a medical condition of it's own. It's often associated with psychiatric disorders like schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder, but also some medical disorders such as stroke or a rare side-effect of some anti-psychotic drugs."
"So, if Murdock had gotten a blood clot in the brain because of the car accident, that could have caused this?"
Tasmin shrugged. "It's a bit of a stretch."
Everyone, including Face, blamed Face for Murdock's current state.
"As if Murdock had no responsibility to look before he crossed the street."
Tasmin gave Allison a surprised look.
"Everyone is treating Murdock as if he was some kind of retard. That's character bashing. I can't stand it. And that nurse that drove the car should also take a big chunk of the blame."
Face got in his car and drove away. His car phone rang. It was Murdock's stalker calling to compliment Face on a job well done. Face buried his head on the dashboard.
"Charge for Face trying to bury his head 'on' something, rather than 'in' something. Although I doubt it's any easier for him to bury his head in the dashboard."
"Is he still driving? I'm glad we didn't hop in the car with him."
"The Words didn't say he stopped. Although they do say he's starting the car."
"Is that because everyone knows that Face is a responsible driver, who'd never drive and talk on the phone at the same time?"
"More like someone didn't read through the fic and notice the continuity error."
An orderly with the distinct appearance of being one of Hannibal's disguises walked past the agents and went to Murdock's room. He sat with the non-responsive Murdock for a while. Hannibal was frustrated and sad -- near crying -- about his team-mate's state. Then he wheeled Murdock from his room to the grounds where BA was waiting.
The agents followed and noted that BA wasn't wearing a disguise either.
BA stepped out of character and knelt in front of the wheelchair too.
"That may be a clue that this might actually be a Sue parody," Allison said.
"I don't think parodies ever work if their grammar isn't up to scratch. What's funny about bad grammar?"
"Nothing, unless it leads to utter verbal confusion."
Hannibal and BA both had a hard time keeping the tears from rolling down their faces.
"I hope the CAD doesn't have a semi-sentient switch and switches itself on. It would probably blow up in your bag."
"I left it in the office as a precaution."
"Smart thinking." Allison didn't add that she wished she had been left in the office. It would probably have gotten her smacked.
Then Murdock was kidnapped right from under BA's and Hannibal's noses.
"They must have been blinded by the tears in their eyes." Allison made a note.
As soon as they realised that Murdock had been taken away from the VA, Hannibal and BA sprinted to the van to give the kidnapper pursuit. A tractor-trailer put an end to their chase. They decided to go home and think of a plan.
Murdock's kidnapper took Murdock to an old abandoned house and forced himself on him. Murdock could not react, but he could still think.
Murdock suddenly remembered Face. His one true love.
"Face is a flying machine? Too bad we're still at the VA and he isn't, because, again, that is something I'd like to see."
The only thing Allison saw was Tasmin raising her hand to smack her partner, but leaving her hand hanging in mid-air.
"This fic is sucking the murderous intent out of me," she explained. "I... I..."
"This is bad. What happens if we have to confront the Stu?" Allison cautiously took a step back. She wasn't entirely convinced her partner was just putting up an act.
"I need chocolate." Tasmin delved into her bag.
Murdock thought life had no meaning now that Face didn't love him any more.
"How many clichés can you put in one scene?"
"Doesn't that depend on the length of the scene?" Tasmin spoke with a mouth full of chocolate. She offered her partner some, who happily took the sweets.
"I know you want me sweetie, but not just yet but soon my precious one soon."
"Precious," Allison hissed. "Let's dub the Gary Stu Gollum."
"Let's not. A crossover is just about all we need."
Back at Hannibal's apartment, BA and Hannibal found Face, who had tried to kill himself through alcohol poisoning. A last glimmer of Face's character had at least insisted the alcohol should be quality whiskey.
But now that Murdock's life was in what looked like jeopardy, finding a drunken Face made Hannibal really upset.
"He stomped his foot and pouted." Tasmin gave an impression of how Hannibal acted and Allison had a fit of the giggles.
Hannibal dragged Face into the shower, turned on the cold water tab and, when that didn't stop Face from sulking, he hit him. After putting Face to bed -- without a bedtime story as he had been a naughty boy -- BA found a videotape in the living room Face had been watching. He and Hannibal watched it and decided they needed to have a word with the nurse who ran over Murdock.
"They're coming back here. Let's go see."
The agents quickly rushed into the building and towards the reception area.
A little later BA and Hannibal marched into the VA and demanded to see the nurse. The nurse in question did not appear to recognize them from their encounter at the hospital three weeks earlier, despite the explicit notice she had taken of BA.
The agents watched from around a corner in the corridor as the nurse took Hannibal and BA to Murdock's room and noticed he was gone. Hannibal unloaded his frustration that Murdock had been kidnapped while he was standing around and watching onto the nurse.
"Right, that sounds very much like Hannibal, blaming someone else for his own mistakes."
Tasmin just pointed at the notepad in reply.
The nurse said she'd ask if anyone had seen anything unusual.
"Considering the number of times the Team take Murdock form the VA they probably have some kind of protocol on how to deal with him not being in his room."
Hannibal and BA left the VA again, and the agents turned back to the Words to follow the next scene.
The old abandoned house had become an apartment building about to be demolished. A policeman stopped the Stu from entering. The Stu shrugged his shoulders and left, leaving Murdock helpless in a building that was about to come down on him.
"This is the Stu that kidnapped Murdock because he loved him so much? Is this an acceptable personality disorder he is displaying?"
"Based on his obsession to have Murdock, but not really caring when he got him, I would say he's a sociopath. But sociopaths generally can't stand losing. He'd probably be plotting his revenge against the policeman."
The policeman decided to have a look in the building to see why the Stu wanted to go in. He found Murdock. His partner recognised Murdock and decided to take him back to the VA.
Tasmin hit her forehead with the palm of her hand. "Never mind trying to find out what he was doing in that building or how he got there."
Allison gave her notepad a dubious look. "How long was that Intelligence Report you read?"
"Long. I'm starting to think it did not even cover half the stupidity there is in this fic."
"Might I suggest we also try to keep the amount of stupidity we cover to a limit."
"The worst is yet to come."
"Oh dear." Allison tucked the pen behind her ear. "Let's go outside, so we can at least have some fresh air."
"We're still in LA. Fresh air is a relative term."
"I'm sure the authors forget all about the air pollution. Which is kind of nice of them."
The agents hadn't been sitting on the front lawn for long when the two policemen showed up to drop Murdock off. The men explained to Face -- who had introduced himself as Murdock's doctor -- they had found him in an abandoned building 50 miles south.
"Is that even within their jurisdiction?" Allison exclaimed.
The policemen, who were original characters and thus could hear the agents, turned around to look in the direction the sound had come from.
"To serve and protect, ma'am," one of them said.
"It's part of the service," the other one added. He tipped his hat.
Allison gave them dubious looks. "If you say so."
Without asking questions that might protect other patients from ending up in similar situations, the policemen left Murdock in the care of his doctor and went away.
Face knelt before Murdock. He produced a ring from his pocket.
"I was going to ask you to marry me."
"Gasp! That was the first time that sentence was grammatically correct."
"What are the odds of that?"
"At a guess? I'd say the improbability drive could have run quite a few miles on it."
Face hugged and kissed Murdock.
I'll be right here when you say your first words.
"His first words were 'mummy' and 'daddy'. To which Face replied, 'I'm not your mummy or daddy'."
"Considering the insanity of this fic, Face' reply would probably be, 'Yes, I want to be both your mummy and your daddy'." To be on the safe side, Tasmin fished another bar of chocolate from her bag.
Just as Face got back to his feet, the real doctor Richter came outside. He demanded to know what was going on. BA and Hannibal, who had been sitting in the van watching the VA since they talked to the nurse, joined the little group. Murdock was the only one who knew what was going on, but he could not speak.
Face looked down at Murdock and knelt down beside him. He noticed that Murdock looked distressed. "What is it Murdock? Why do you look so upset? Are you reliving something? I wish to God that you could talk."
"What is it, girl? Bark bark. Did Timmy fall down a well? Bark bark."
Tasmin smacked her partner in the back of the head. "Murdock is not Lassie."
"Tell that to the Stu." Allison shifted a little further away from her partner while rubbing the back of her head.
Murdock was taken back to his room and in the night he was raped by the Stu.
"I did not need to know that." Allison made a dive for Tasmin's bag to help herself to some more chocolate.
In the morning the Stu incriminated Face. The nurse, whose only sign of intelligence seemed to be that she could string words together into semi-coherent sentences, believed him right away. Murdock wanted to shout out who had really raped him, but all he managed was to visualise Billy. He sent Billy to go and warn Face.
Billy ran to Face.
Face turned around and saw the dog.
"Oh, no," Allison moaned. "It really is a Lassie fic." She buried her face in her hands. "How much longer?"
"We're at 30 percent of this fic."
"Please tell me we've already had the worst of it."
"What's worse than Face being able to see Billy, when sober?" When there came no reply Allison looked up at her partner. "All the Team seeing Billy?"
Tasmin gave a wry smile. "That's not even the worst of it."
Allison held up a hand. "Don't tell me. I don't want to know. I intend to look the other way when it happens. Literally. But if possible, not figuratively."
Though Face was appalled he was talking to an invisible dog, Billy quickly straightened him out, Murdock needed help and Face was the only one that could give it to him.
Doctor Richter decided that Murdock should be moved to a different VA, away from Face. While Billy distracted the two men who were loading Murdock into a van, Face got behind the wheel of the vehicle and drove off.
"I'm guessing Billy is an Animal Stu," Allison said.
"Yeah, he's well past the stage of cute animal friend."
"You know we're not going to score any sympathy points in the PPC if we kill the dog."
Tasmin nodded. "But that dog is thoroughly screwed up. He'd never be a reliable pet again."
Face took Murdock to a secret place by a remote beach only he knew about. Then he called Hannibal and BA.
The agents discussed whether they should go to the beach house too. In favour was 'seeing is believing'. Against it was that they were now safe at the VA. In a short while the beach house would be crowded with OCs and a very OOC A-Team. Allison flipped a coin and they decided to stay put.
Hannibal quickly accepted the explanation that Face could see Billy. Particularly when he started to see the dog too. BA was more reluctant. BA and Hannibal decided to go to the VA to convince the people there of Face's innocence. When they were gone Face crept into bed with Murdock to hold him.
Face soon fell asleep with Murdock tightly in his arms not knowing that somehow Forester had found them, and that somewhere very close, the monster lurked, awaiting his cue to pounce and consume his unsuspecting prey.
"Somehow? The shoddy writing is reaching new depths. It doesn't even give a reason any more for the deus ex machina."
"That kinda is the meaning of deus ex machina."
"It would have been so easy too. All that was needed was a little mention that the Stu had been stalking Face too. That's how he knew about the beach house on the secret beach and decided to go and look for Face there."
The Stu went into the bedroom, gun ready. Face heard the safety flick off and leapt up to disarm the Stu. In a struggle the gun went off and brought Murdock out of his catatonic state. The bullet had wounded Face. Murdock jumped on the Stu and started pounding on him, but the Stu escaped.
"Okay, perhaps you were right. We should have been there to see how that happened."
Face turned out to be all right and Murdock showered him with kisses.
He grabbed Murdock and looked into his chocolate sparking eye .
"Then again, Murdock spouting a chocolate fountain from his eye socket is perhaps a sight best not witnessed."
"At least it was just the one," Allison added.
The Stu made some cronies 'apparate' and laid a siege on the beach house. There was no way for Face and Murdock to get out. Together they thought real hard and made Billy reappear. They told him to go warn BA and Hannibal.
The Stu started to send in his cronies one by one so Face and Murdock could easily take care of them and disarm them. BA and Hannibal arrived in time to take out the last of them. However, while everyone was busy fighting, the Stu managed to kidnap Murdock.
"Can we put a stop to this right now?"
"We're only halfway through the fic."
"Halfway? I guess it is time for a what is yet to come trailer."
Tasmin, feeling this was a request that could be obliged, put on a formal voice. "Yet to come, the Stu drugs Murdock and flies him off to Venezuela. BA and Hannibal stop believing in Billy. Is this the end of the invisible dog? Will his master be saved?"
"Stop that." Allison swatted at her partner, but missed. "Could you at least give me a couple of earplugs so I can keep my brain from leaking out?"
Tasmin rummaged through her bag before handing her partner a little box.
Allison rolled two yellow foam plugs in her hand to warm them a little to make it easier to roll them tight before inserting them into her ears. She nodded to the Words. "Says there that BA and Hannibal are glad to hear that Face thinks he can hear the invisible dog."
"And just below that it says that Hannibal thinks even the dog can't help."
"So far the dog has been of more use to them than the nurse, but they keep going back to her for information."
"And that's why the nurse is a Sue. We think she's dense, but the Team treat her like she's Delphi's Oracle."
"To be fair, she talks in riddles enough to pass for an oracle."
Tasmin hit Allison in the back of the head. Demonstratively Allison rolled the earplugs up and inserted one in each ear. Holding them in place with a finger she waited for them to expand. "Sorry, I can't hear you," she mouthed to her partner. Which earned her a glare.
Billy managed to steal a map from the Stu and brought it to the Team. They then knew where Murdock was headed. BA drove them to the nearest airport. Face told the customs officers that he was Special Forces and more or less walked straight on to a plane.
Allison pulled one of the plugs from her ears. "What the heck?"
"You have to remember that airport security was a little less tight back in the eighties."
"But this lax? On an international flight?"
The ground stewardess told the Team the plane for Venezuela left from gate 12.
"You know how they say that given enough monkeys theycould type up the works of Shakespeare?"
"I think this airport scene is what they pulled off the typewriters after they put that to the test."
BA did not have to be drugged to get on the plane. He didn't even complain after Hannibal had told him he could stay behind if he didn't want to come. Billy used all his powers to make himself visible to BA. He told BA to hold on and when BA did he took him to Murdock.
"Oh swell this is just terrific." Whined Face. "BA disappears and in plain sight of everybody else."
Hannibal cut him off from whining again. "I'm sure if BA disappeared out of the plane, that it must've been Billy
"Are you sure the Stu drugged Murdock? And not Hannibal and Face instead?" Allison felt her head. "Or us?"
"I didn't eat or drink anything that came from this fic, so I doubt it."
"Perhaps the hallucinogenic is airborne?"
Face was upset Billy hadn't picked him to take to Murdock.
BA knocked the Stu out and then Billy took him and Murdock to a hospital. A young woman offered BA to be his interpreter because he didn't speak the language of Venezuela.
"Please don't tell me this Stu doesn't even know they speak Spanish in Venezuela?"
"Technically people in Venezuela speak a number of other languages too."
Allison shot her partner a dirty look.
"But the official language is Spanish. That this woman is named Rosita did give the impression someone knew what language they spoke."
BA called the airport, had them page Hannibal and told Hannibal to come to the hospital.
BA hung up the phone and turn to Rosita. "Rosita if this is a catholic hospital? Why don't they understand
"Because..." Allison stared at the wall opposite of her for a few minutes. "I can't think of anything witty why Catholics would not speak English. Or rather why BA would assume all Catholics speak English. That would -- perhaps -- not be a stupid assumption if this were a hospital founded by the Church of England. But then still, he's in a bloody foreign country. He's been in bloody foreign countries before. Or does he think that all Catholic hospitals abroad must have been set up by American missionaries? Is he unaware that Catholicism is the religion of South America? Where they usually don't speak English?"
The Team arrived at the hospital. Shortly after, the doctor came in and told them that Murdock needed to be moved to a larger and better equipped hospital, preferably one in the US.
"He better be saying that because he wants to be rid of the Americans." Allison balled her fists. "And not because of supposedly third world health care in Venezuela."
The Stu summoned his secret weapon and told it to kidnap Murdock. Then it told it to replace Murdock.
"This is getting stupid!" Tasmin exclaimed.
"Getting stupid?" Allison queried. "You have been paying attention, have you not?"
Fake!Murdock and Face quickly ran off to Vegas to get married, but BA put a stop to that by calling out the fake's real name.
"Guess what its real name was."
"I don't know. Rumpelstiltskin, something."
"That's right. Its name is Something."
Allison gave her partner a weary look. "I am of course not in the least bit surprised."
Something disappeared into nothing. The Team ran back to the van just in time to answer the phone call from Murdock. He announced he was going to marry the Stu. Billy reappeared and took the Team to Murdock, and then returned all of them to the van.
Tasmin pulled the remote activator from her bag. "There's a few more charges down the line, but I've had enough." She opened a portal.
"Since when can we just pick a random moment to go and charge the Stu?"
Tasmin turned to glare at her partner. "You want to stay here? You're more than welcome to."
"I'm coming," Allison hurriedly said. She pushed past Tasmin and jumped through the portal.
The portal took the agents to just outside the VA. The Stu was standing there, leaning against a tree. Next to him Something took shape.
"Manny Forester?" Tasmin stepped up to him. "We are Protectors of the Plot Continuum and we're here to charge you with crimes against fanfiction in general and A-Team fandom in particular."
"No, you don't." The eyes of Something started to glow.
"Yes, I do," Tasmin replied. She threw a small box attached to a cable towards Something.
"You leave Manny alone. You go back where you came from." Something came closer to Tasmin.
When the shape was above the box Tasmin stepped on the foot button on the other end of the cable and the box opened up. It sucked Something in. Something writhed and screamed and disappeared into the box. Tasmin took her foot off the button and the box closed. Some smoke came off it, but Something was trapped.
"As I was saying," Tasmin said while she walked over to the box to pick it up. "We've come to charge you."
Allison took this as her cue and quickly rattled off the charges. "We charge you with bad spelling, bad grammar, and bad punctuation. We charge you with bad characterization. Face and Murdock are not two mentally unstable, screaming, spineless thirteen-year-olds. Hannibal and BA would never accept seeing Billy so unquestioningly. We charge you with many, many plot contrivances, Manny." Allison barely took time to chuckle at the pun. "We charge you with just knowing where Face took Murdock, with having people work for you, while it is unlikely you can pay them. How much does an orderly make?"
The Stu shrugged. "I don't know."
"We charge you with managing to kidnap Murdock out from everyone's noses not once, but twice. With flying him to Venezuela. With-"
"It was not me. It was all Something's doing!" the Stu whined.
"Yes, in retrospect all these things make sense. They, however, should have made some sense from the start. At the very least, clues should have been left that bad plot continuity was caused by supernatural involvement, not just bad writing." Allison studied her charge sheet. "Ugh, the rest of this is just too stupid to repeat."
"Do it anyway," Tasmin said. "I for one do not want to be reminded of this mission by the Sunflower Official."
"All right, all right. Where was I? Oh, yes, plot contrivances. We charge you with setting this story in an alternate universe where same sex marriage exists, but homophobia doesn't. We charge you with everyone hating Face for breaking up with Murdock, and with no one blaming Murdock for not looking before he crosses the road. We charge you with everyone treating Murdock as a retard. We charge you with making Murdock catatonic after a car accident, and then three weeks later have him just jump out of this catatonic state without any ill effects. He should have suffered some muscle atrophy.
"We charge you with making all of the A-Team out of character. They are naturally resourceful, don't give into threats easily, would have followed up on the stalker package Face received within three weeks, and put on disguises when walking into the VA through the front door. And BA does not talk jibber-jabber or stay conscious during an intercontinental flight, or any flight for that matter. We charge you with making the police incompetent, in the sense that they serve, but do not protect. We charge you with making the airport security incompetent. Face is charming, but he isn't that good.
"We charge you with having enough of a way with words to give Murdock a chocolate sparkling eye, but not enough to give your phantom creature a name that isn't laughable. We charge you with continuity errors. That good enough for you?" The last question was directed at Tasmin.
"Works for me." Her partner nodded.
"You have been charged. You are sentenced to death. Tasmin will shoot you now."
Before the Stu could object Tasmin shot him.
"Okay, where's the mutt? I have to charge him with only having enough power to be seen by people who believe in him, and then also showing himself to people who don't believe in him."
"I don't believe in the invisible dog. How am I going to see him to shoot him?"
Allison gave that one a good ponder. "I guess we should go find the nurse first. I can't believe her stupidity, but I'm quite sure you can see her. And shoot her."
The agents stepped into the VA and had no trouble at all finding nurse Benson; they just imagined her talking a break at the ground floor nurses' station, and there she was.
"Georgia Benson?" Allison called.
The nurse jumped up. "Yes?"
"We are protectors of the plot continuum, and we are here to charge you with crimes against fanfiction, but mainly with being as dumb as a horse's arse."
"You're supposed to be a nurse, but you don't even know how to feel a pulse. We charge you with pronouncing Murdock dead without checking his vital signs, and, when he turns out to still be alive, with not waiting for an ambulance to take him to hospital. We charge you with not recognising BA when meeting him for a second time. Of course, I don't know your social circles, but I do believe BA has a rather unique look. Lastly, we charge you with the fact that despite being dense, the A-Team treats you like bloody Delphi's Oracle." Allison hit her forehead with her left hand. She inhaled deeply before looking up at the nurse again. "Tasmin will now put a bullet in that pea-brain of yours."
The nurse was dumb struck, so to speak.
Tasmin returned her gun to her duffel bag after shooting the nurse. "I'm glad that's over with."
"Me too," Allison concurred. Then quickly added, "I can't wait till our next mission."
Tasmin frowned at her partner.
"I hope it is something just as marvellously exciting."
"Have you been eating any of those coloured pills they have at this institution?"
"No, just trying to sidetrack the..., you know, laws."
"I don't think they fall for cheap tricks. I think you may actually get what you asked for."