Cleaning This Gun
"I can't believe that the solution to your inability to kill Sues is to not kill Sues for a while," Allison said. She and her partner had just returned from a visit to the Sunflower Official to discuss Tasmin's hesitation to shoot Hazel Peck. "Whatever happened to punitive missions? Surely, there are some atrocious Sues out there that would make even the most pacifistic person want to kill them. That would bring the kill back in you."
Tasmin shrugged. "New policy? Perhaps the Flowers just want to show they care."
"If they cared they would give us a Christmas bonus."
"Or a few days off."
Tasmin stepped up to the console and accepted the mission. "There it is, our first mission without a Sue."
"What do you mean 'our'? I don't recall that I suffered Sue-killing burnout."
"Of course. You can stay behind and wait for that atrocious Sue."
Allison glared. "What have we got?"
"Face is going on a date with Amy and I think we have to talk him out of that."
"Lots of fic has Face dating Amy."
"Most of it doesn't have Amy's dad pull a gun on Face."
"That could be the start of an interesting story on the nature of trust. Amy's dad hands Face over to the MPs and Amy has to decide whether her loyalty lies with her family or her date."
"That's not this story. Amy's dad is a country hick and the MPs don't even cross Face's mind."
"That is bad. Well, that last thing is. The first thing is just rather unbelievable, considering who Amy is."
"That's why we are going to talk Face out of going in."
"How? It's not like he's going to reschedule his date based on the word of two women he's never met before."
"Right. That's why we are going in as canon characters." Tasmin punched the appropriate code into the console's keypad and opened a portal.
"Canon characters?" Allison grinned widely, then she realised something and her smile dropped. "Wait a minute. Which canon characters?"
Her partner had already stepped through the portal. Allison saw no other option than to step into the fic and find out that way.
Face stood on the porch of the Allen's suburban house. He was fidgeting.
"Face," Tasmin called out.
"Hannibal? What are you doing here?"
"Just passing through. You?"
Face walked down the steps of the porch and to the garden gate where Tasmin and Allison - or as he thought, Hannibal and Murdock - were standing.
"I'm going on a date with Amy. We talked about this. You were fine with it."
"You seem a little nervous."
"Well, yeah." Face adjusted his tie. "It's the first time I'm going to meet her parents. I never meet the parents of my dates. I never date them long enough. I just use them and throw them away." His eyes glazed over.
Tasmin and Allison gave each other a worried look.
"You all right, Faceman?" Allison asked.
"Yeah, sure. Just a little nervous. Will you stop that?" he demanded of Allison, who had started picking lint off his jacket.
"There is nothing to be nervous about," Tasmin said. She put an arm around Face's shoulders and gently forced him to step out of the Allen's garden and onto the sidewalk. "I'll walk you through it," she said with Hannibal's smooth voice. "You go to the house and you knock on the door. Amy's mom answers. She says, 'Hi, you must be Templeton.' What do you say?"
"Hi, you can call me Face, if you like."
Allison and Tasmin both cringed.
"And then I give a polite smile." Face smiled at fifteen percent of his usual MegaWatt smile.
"That's just wrong," Allison said. "We call you Face. We're your buddies. She's not your buddy, is she? Are you replacing us with new buddies?" Allison found another piece of lint.
"No, no. No one is replacing anyone. It's just a date."
"Hmm. Just a date," Tasmin repeated. "You have to work on your introductions though." She took a step away from the gate and pulled Face along with her. "Imagine Amy's mother doesn't slam the door in your face. She lets you in and shows you to the living room. There's Amy's dad. He's cleaning a gun."
"A gun? He's not going to shoot me, is he?"
"See, this is why I don't like you dating. You lose all sense of perspective."
"Well, what about the Army? Amy's dad sits you down, points his gun at you, calls Decker and waits for him to come and pick you up."
"He wouldn't do that."
"Why wouldn't he?" Allison asked. "If he shoots you, he goes to prison. If he calls Decker, you go to prison and he gets a reward."
"Ah. I see a light bulb moment," Tasmin said to Allison.
"But how do you know he has a gun? For all I know you could just be making this up."
"Amy called me. Her dad is sat in that living room, cleaning his gun. She asked me to come by and warn you and ask if you could call her to reschedule your date."
"Ah," Face said again. He looked over his shoulder at the house. "Is it a big gun?"
"Does it matter?"
Face seemed to think about this for a moment and then conceded that it didn't matter.
"Well, then, shouldn't you run along now?" Tasmin gently pushed Face in the direction of his car.
"You're sure Amy knows about this?"
"Of course. She'd much rather you make a rain check for your date than have to visit you in prison."
"Yes, yes." Face opened the door to his Corvette and slid in. "Maybe I should just knock on the door, ask for Amy and wait for her outside." Face tried to climb out of the car again, but Tasmin blocked his path.
"What if the dad comes to the door? With his gun?"
"Yes. I see." Face pulled his foot back into the car. "I'd better go then."
Tasmin slammed the car door. Face started his car and drove off. The agent pulled a cigar from an inside pocket and bit down on it.
"I love it when a plan comes together." She smirked from ear to ear.
Allison made a face. "This plan could have come together a lot quicker."
"What makes you say that?" Tasmin opened a portal.
"You could have disguised us as Crane and Decker. The moment we showed up at the house Face would have made a run for it."
"I guess I was on the Jazz." Tasmin shrugged. She stepped through the portal.
Allison rolled her eyes and followed her partner. "Hey, do you think we could disguise as canons more often? I don't think I have explored this character to his full potential yet.